Page: 44 Questions usually focus on the intent, perspective, and concerns of the listener rather than on the speaker’s orientation.
Page: 45 If the interviewer relies on closed questions to structure his interview, he usually is forced to concentrate so hard on thinking up the next question that he fails to listen to and attend to the client.
Page: 45 most people ask far too many questions.
Page: 46 “The beginning of wisdom is silence,
Page: 48 “Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Page: 49 There is the semantic problem, of course. The words bear a different connotation for you than they do for me. Consequently, I can never tell you what you said, but only what I heard. I will have to rephrase what you have said, and check it out with you to make sure that what left your mind and heart arrived in my mind and heart intact and without distortion.1
Page: 51 a good paraphrase is concise.
Page: 51 an effective paraphrase reflects only the essentials of the speaker’s message.
Page: 51 paraphrasing focuses on the content of the message.
Page: 51 an effective paraphrase is stated in the listener’s own words.
Page: 51 There is an enormous difference between parroting (repeating exactly the speaker’s words) and paraphrasing.
Page: 52 When dealing with specifics like that, most of us know from sad experience that communication is often unreliable unless it is checked out.
Page: 52 Paraphrasing greatly reduces the likelihood of misunderstandings.
Page: 53 “Individuality is found in feeling,
Page: 55 Our own highly organized society has especially strong sanctions against too free an expression of feelings. Major institutions like the home, school, business, and church or synagogue all tend to squelch the expression of emotion. The result of this pervasive conditioning is that many people find it relatively difficult to tune into and reflect the feelings of others. Yet the reflection of feeling lies at the heart of effective listening.
Page: 55 1. Focus on the feeling words. 2. Note the general content of the message.
Page: 55 3. Observe the body language. 4. Ask yourself, “If I were having that experience, what would I be feeling?”
Page: 55 lonely
Page: 58 You feel [insert the feeling word] because [insert the event or other content that is associated with the feeling].
Page: 58 The word “are” can be substituted for the word “feel.” Words like “by,” “since,” “about,” and “that” can be used in place of the “because” of the formula. With variations like these, the responses may sound less stilted.
Note | Page: 62 Seems these skills are based on therapist conv, same in everyday life?
Page: 65 Words: Imprecise Vehicles of Communication
Page: 65 As philosopher Alfred North Whitehead said: “The success of language in conveying information is highly overrated.
Page: 66 Guesswork Is Involved in Understanding the Meaning of the Speaker’s “
Page: 66 For one thing, we often forget to consider whether we need to decode the other person’s message.
Page: 68 neither may be aware that a misunderstanding exists.
Page: 69 The Presenting Problem May Not Be the Major Concern
Page: 69 Everyone “travels incognito” to some degree.
Page: 69 Unfortunately, most people are prone to zero in on and solve the least important problems—the presenting problems—while the more critical problems and issues remain hidden.
Page: 70 The Speaker May Be Blind to Her Emotions or Blinded by Them
Page: 71 Clarity of image, whether in a looking glass or in an emotional mirror, provides opportunity for self-initiated grooming and change.
Page: 71 The emotional mirror provided by reflective listening is of great worth to adults, too.
Page: 71 Many people believe that if a person inflamed with an emotion is encouraged to talk about it,
Page: 71 Actually, the reverse is more often true.
Page: 71 Many Listeners Are Easily Distracted
Page: 72 The average rate of speech for most Americans is about 125 words per minute. This rate is slow for the ear and brain, which can process words about four times that fast.
Page: 72 The typical listener uses this spare time poorly.
Page: 72 Filters Distort What the Listener Hears
Page: 73 it is possible to systematically give words emotional connotations that are totally unrelated to their rational meanings.
Page: 75 In the First and Last Freedom, Krishnamurti says: To be able to really listen, one should abandon or put aside all prejudices.
Page: 75 A Check on Accuracy: A Channel for Warmth
Page: 75 and Concern
Page: 75 The reflective listener helps the other person to experience community in the midst of a lonely struggle.
Page: 75 SKEPTICISM IS BEST DISSOLVED BY ACTION
Page: 76 Doubt of any sort cannot be removed except by action.
Page: 78 “No words are so clear as the language of body expression once one has learned to read it.
Page: 78 An ancient Chinese proverb warns, “Watch out for the man whose stomach doesn’t move when he laughs.
Page: 79 there is a natural division of labor, so that each source is better at conveying certain types of messages.
Page: 79 Words are best for communicating factual information.
Page: 79 In the emotional realm, however, the advantage is with body language
Page: 79 When people position themselves at a considerable distance from each other, tense their bodies, avoid facing each other and making eye contact, the relationship is probably not faring very well.
Page: 79 As Gerard Egan says, the averted face may mean an averted heart.7
Page: 82 “When a woman is speaking to you, listen to what she says with her eyes.
Page: 82 As a person grows older, her most consistent emotional state tends to become permanently etched on her face.
Page: 82 Monotone voice Boredom Slow speed, low pitch Depression High voice, emphatic pitch Enthusiasm Ascending tone Astonishment Abrupt speech Defensiveness Terse speed, loud tone Anger High pitch, drawn-out speech Disbelief
Page: 83 Child psychologists are aware that much “annoying” behavior at home can be a cry for help in veiled form.
Page: 84 No single motion ever stands alone. It is always part of a pattern and its meaning is best understood in context.
Page: 85 have heard dozens of people tell the deepest griefs of their lives while cloaking their anguished feelings with a chuckle.
Page: 86 So she would sensitively try to match her clients’ posture and gestures with her own body. Fromm-Reichman focused on what she was feeling when she assumed the client’s position and her understanding of that client increased greatly.
Page: 87 Fearful people are said to be “frozen with terror.” Angry people sometimes “tremble with rage.” Belligerent people are apt to “bare their teeth.” Reserved people seem “standoffish.” Confident people are “bursting with enthusiasm” or “swollen with pride.” Determined people “grit their teeth.” When trying to control their feelings, people “keep a stiff upper lip.” In spite of their efforts to hide their shame, some people “flush with embarrassment.” The
Page: 90 Don’t Fake Understanding
Page: 90 Authenticity demands that the listener admit he is lost and then work to get back on the track again.
Page: 90 Don’t Tell the Speaker You Know How He Feels
Page: 91 Vary Your Responses
Page: 91 Focus on the Feelings
Page: 92 Choose the Most Accurate Feeling Word
Page: 92 affectionate angry annoyed betrayed blissful blue burdened charmed cheated cheerful condemned contented crushed defeated despairing distraught disturbed dominated eager empathetic
Page: 92 energetic enervated exasperated fearful flustered foolish frantic guilty grief-stricken happy helpful high horrible hurt hysterical ignored imposed upon infuriated intimidated isolated jealous jumpy kind left out loving melancholy miserable nervous OK
Page: 93 outraged peaceful persecuted pressured put upon rejected relaxed relieved sad satisfied scared shocked spiteful stunned stupid sympathetic tense terrible thwarted tired trapped troubled unfaired-against vulnerable wonderful worried weepy
Page: 93 Develop Vocal Empathy
Page: 93 Then the listeners are to make wordless sounds to communicate their empathic feelings. When they do that, they normally reflect using low-pitched, full vocal tones in a slightly slowed pace of speech.
Page: 95 Strive for Concreteness and Relevance
Page: 95 The goal of listening in such a situation is to facilitate the speaker’s efforts to arrive at his own best solution to the problem.
Page: 96 In order to respond frequently, it is sometimes necessary to interrupt the speaker. Many people find it ironic that good listening could involve interrupting the person doing the talking. It is possible, however, to interrupt the speaker’s flow of words with a brief reflection, without making the speaker lose his train of thought.
Page: 96 Provide Nondogmatic but Firm Responses
Page: 97 Reflect the Speaker’s Resources
Page: 97 If the speaker is to resolve his problems, it is essential that he discover the resources available to handle these problems.
Page: 97 The basic characteristic of all troubled people is their sense of discouragement.
Page: 97 Reflect the Feelings That Are Implicit in Questions
Page: 98 Accept That Many Interactions Will Be Inconclusive
Page: 98 Many listeners are impatient. They want to solve lifelong problems in one session.
Page: 99 Reflect During Brief Interactions
Page: 99 First, I realize this is a value issue.
Page: 99 Second, I realize that this is an efficiency issue.
Page: 99 Finally, and very importantly, I realize that much reflective listening can be done in relatively short periods of time.
Page: 100 Subtractive, Interchangeable, and Additive Responses
Page: 100 When the listener’s response does not demonstrate accurate comprehension of the other person, we call the response subtractive. When the listener reflects the real feelings and specific content of the speaker with approximately the same intensity that they were expressed, the response is termed interchangeable. When the listener makes several interchangeable responses and then goes beyond what the speaker communicated, the response is additive.
Page: 100 rule of thumb is: “When in doubt, leave additive responses out.
Page: 102 Yet the paradoxical aspect of my experience is that the more … I am willing to understand and accept the realities … in the other person, the more change seems to be stirred up.
Page: 102 Responding with a Touch
Page: 103 “Let us put our love into deeds and make it real.
Page: 106 WHEN TO LISTEN REFLECTIVELY
Page: 106 Before You Act
Page: 106 Before You Argue or Criticize
Page: 107 When the Other Person Experiences Strong Feelings or Wants to Talk Over a Problem
Page: 107 When the Other Person Is Speaking in a “
Page: 107 When Another Persons Wants to Sort Out His Feelings and Thoughts
Page: 107 During a “Direct Mutual Conversation
Page: 108 When You Are Talking to Yourself
Page: 108 It is simply amazing how helpful it can be to listen reflectively to yourself.
Page: 108 When Encountering New Ideas in a Book or Lecture or at Work
Page: 109 WHEN NOT TO LISTEN REFLECTIVELY
Page: 109 When You Are Not Able to Be Accepting
Page: 109 When You Do Not Trust the Other to Find His Own Solution
Page: 110 Ultimately, I cannot be responsible for another person. I can only participate in his life, no matter what that participation may come to mean to him. But, in the end, he discovers his own meanings, his own resources, his own nature, his own being.6
Page: 110 When You Are Not “Separate” from the Other
Page: 110 When You Use Listening As a Way of Hiding Yourself
Page: 111 When You Feel Very Pressured, Hassled, or Depleted
Page: 112 Listening is intensely demanding and therefore should not be entered into lightly.
Page: 117 Open, honest communication. Learning how to relax and reduce anxiety. Getting more of your needs met. Learning social skills that form closer interpersonal relationships. Being able to verbally and nonverbally communicate your positive and negative feelings, thoughts, and emotions without experiencing undue amounts of anxiety or guilt and without violating the dignity of others. Taking responsibility for what happens to you in life. Making more decisions and free choices. Being a friend to yourself and maintaining your own dignity and self-respect. Recognizing that you have certain rights and a value system that need not be sacrificed. Being able to protect yourself from being victimized and taken advantage of by others. Discriminating as to when assertive behaviors may lead to negative as well as positive consequences.
Page: 117 Essentially, this is what we believe assertion training is all about.
Page: 118 The yang of assertion is the disclosure to another of what the speaker feels, needs, desires.
Page: 118 We have already noted the deficiencies in listening that abound in our society. Unfortunately, assertion is also quite rare.
Page: 118 This means that nothing much of personal or interpersonal importance is being communicated in most conversations.
Page: 118 “The real things never get said.
Page: 119 Most people find it instantly applicable and have a high degree of success using it.
Page: 119 Each individual has a unique personal space—a physical, psychological, and values territory which is hers.
Page: 119 an individual becomes an aggressor encroaching on our territorial rights or infringing on our intimate concerns.
Page: 120 Other persons can keep off our psychological or emotional turf by refusing to make put-down comments, ask nosy questions, offer unwarranted advice, endeavor to manipulate us into doing their will, overwhelm us with their affection, attempt to submerge our own identity in theirs, and so on.
Page: 121 People often attempt to push their values on us.
Page: 121 Respect for my personal space involves honoring my physical territory and possessions and allowing me to be my own person.
Page: 121 Each party in the relationships needs to maintain a separate life space apart from the loved one.
Page: 121 It is inevitable that some of them will, knowingly or unknowingly, intrude on your space unless you vigorously defend it.
Page: 122 Life space is acquired through birth, kept through determination, and lost through weakness.
Page: 122 An impacting individual reaches out to other people, establishing vital relationships.
Page: 122 She also influences institutions and society.
Page: 122 “being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; … the being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.
Page: 122 “were, without one single exception, involved in a cause outside their own skin, in something outside of themselves.
Page: 123 One way of understanding assertion is to see it as a way of defending one’s space and impacting on other people and society in nondestructive ways. A useful and more common way of defining assertion is to place it on a continuum between submission and aggression and contrast it with them
Page: 124 Submissive behavior seems to have become a way of life for the majority of the population.
Page: 128 At some point of increased tension, however, the aggressive person is apt to withdraw or acquiesce. But only temporarily.
Page: 129 Submissive behavior is appealing to many people because it is a method of avoiding conflict.
Page: 129 Submission is often a way of trying to purchase the approval of others.
Page: 129 Finally, people often control others by means of their submissive behavior.
Page: 130 And as we shall see, “nice” seldom is nice at all—it is usually only a façade covering a sordid interior.
Page: 130 The first price of “nice” submissive behavior is that the person lives an unlived life.
Page: 130 Another price paid by the submissive person is that her relationships tend to be less satisfying and intimate than she desires.
Page: 130 Though she may have many acquaintances, the submissive person lacks deep and enduring friendships.
Page: 130 Also, excessive sacrifice for or giving in to other people breeds resentment.
Page: 130 “If you begin by sacrificing yourself to those you love, you will end by hating those to whom you have sacrificed yourself.
Page: 130 Perhaps the most frequently enacted tragedy of all times is that in which people give up being themselves and living their own lives so that they will be loved, only to find the ultimate consequence of their sacrifice is an inability to have the fulfilling relationships they sought.
Page: 131 They make cutting remarks. Or they may avoid others or silently terminate a relationship. These approaches are indirectly hostile, alienating, and destructive. When anger is expressed through these disguises, it adds to the interpersonal problem rather than contributing to its solution.
Page: 131 All submissive people do well to note, however, that in general the more submissive the behavior and the more covert the communication, the less healthy the person.
Page: 132 The aggressive person is usually very controlling. Through charisma or the naked use of power, she controls others.
Page: 132 One consequence of aggression is increased fear. Many people behave aggressively not because they are strong but because they feel weak.
Page: 133 “Uneasy rests the head that wears the crown
Page: 133 For centuries, wise men have commented on the tendency of aggression to bring about the aggressor’s destruction.
Page: 133 A third liability of aggressive behavior is that it often results in a loss of control.
Page: 133 If through my aggressiveness I control what you do, it takes my time and energy to supervise you. This creates a kind of self-imposed servitude.
Page: 133 “It is a strange desire to seek power and lose liberty.
Page: 133 Guilt feelings which come from an aggressor’s abuse of power are
Page: 133 another unpleasant outcome of aggression.
Page: 134 A sixth outcome of aggressiveness is alienation from other people.
Page: 134 Like Frederick, many a dominating spouse, authoritarian parent, controlling teacher, and aggressive manager learn how frustrating and unfulfilling it is to relate to and work with those who have capitulated to their authority.
Page: 134 Aggression undermines love at the other end of the relationship, too.
Page: 135 While we face many other serious problems in the twentieth century, unless we learn to cope with our human aggressiveness, we may not be here long enough to solve them.
Page: 135 “the extent to which you assert yourself determines the level of your self-esteem.
Page: 135 A second benefit of assertion is that it fosters fulfilling relationships.
Page: 135 Intimacy has been defined as
Page: 135 “the ability to express my deepest aspirations, hopes, fears, anxieties, and guilts to another significant person repeatedly.
Page: 135 That kind of disclosure is assertive behavior.
Page: 135 intimacy is “the degree of mutual need-satisfaction within the relationship.”32
Page: 135 Then, too, assertive behavior greatly reduces a person’s fear and anxiety.
Page: 135 One of the biggest plusses of assertive behavior is living one’s own life.
Page: 136 But I believe that in most circumstances assertive behavior is the most appropriate, effective, constructive way of defending one’s space and fulfilling one’s needs.
Page: 136 “It is better to prefer honorable defeat to a mean victory.
Page: 136 That price includes disruptions in one’s life, the pain associated with honest and caring confrontation, and the arduous personal struggle involved in altering one’s own habitual behaviors
Page: 136 To be assertive involves a willingness to risk dissension knowing that some conflict is necessary to build a significant relationship of equals.
Page: 136 To be assertive also involves becoming vulnerable in significant relationships.
Page: 137 The greatest price of all probably is the exercise of willpower required to forego overreliance on submissive or aggressive habits and to develop new and effective ways of relating.
Page: 139 When people won’t let you alone, it’s because you haven’t learned how to make them do it.1
Page: 140 • a nonjudgmental description of the behavior to be changed; • a disclosure of the asserter’s feelings; and • a clarification of the concrete and tangible effect of the other person’s behavior on the asserter.
Page: 141 A most important and often difficult aspect of utilizing this third option is learning to use language precisely and effectively.3
Page: 141 Though it is difficult to speak accurately while under stress, it is not impossible.
Page: 142 The three-part assertion message meets the above criteria. It begins with a description of the offending behavior and includes a description of the consequences on your life and how you feel about those consequences.
Page: 142 formula: “When you [state the behavior nonjudgmentally], I feel [disclose your feelings] because [clarify the effect on your life].
Page: 145 Second, limit yourself to behavioral descriptions. Do not draw inferences about the other person’s motives, attitudes, character, and so on.5 When people try to describe another’s behavior they frequently state what they think the other intended rather than describe what he actually did.
Page: 146 Assertion theory tells us that an individual’s feelings are part of his personal space.
Page: 146 We have no right to try to control someone else’s feelings
Page: 146 Assertion messages avoid profanity.
Page: 146 triggers extra emotion and defensiveness in the other person.
Page: 147 Fourth, behavioral descriptions should be as brief as possible